A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[Dean Taylor]

Obama was recently delivering a speech on gun control at an elementery school. As he walked onto the stage, he was clapping his hands together about every 5 seconds.

After about 10 claps, he then opens his speech saying " Everytime I clap my hands, a child is shot with a gun!"

Little Johnny then stands up abruptly and yells " Well STOP clapping your hands dumbass!"

 

[IBFLYIN]

It was said that there would not be a black man as President of the United States until pigs flew. Well, one hundred days into Barack Obama's presidency, swine flu.

 

[pitzerwm]

On You Tube, there is black preacher reminding you that Obama isn't really black, that his mother was just a slut that slept with black guys.

 

[Waxman]

ouch. that cuts deep.

 

[phred113]

Teacher: Three crows are sitting on a fence rail, The farmer shoots one, how many are left?

Johnny: None

Teacher: How did you come up with that answer?

Johnny: Well the noise from the gun would have scared away the other 2 crows.

Teacher: The correct answer is two, But I like the way you're thinking.

Johnny: I got one for you. There are three women sitting on a park bench, they all have lollipops, one is licking her lollipop, one is biting her lollipop and one is sucking her lollipop, which one is married? (Teacher is young and only been married a year)

Teacher: ( Blushing)The one thats Sucking her lollipop.

Johnny: Nah. It would be the one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking.

 

[Dean Taylor]

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.... After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors..
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

 

[pitzerwm]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'

 

[pitzerwm]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'

 

[rph9168]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries???

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

 

[pitzerwm]

Grandparents

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and
was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At
last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story... "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

 

[I.B. Washincars]

"How many legs does a dog have, if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."

-- Abraham Lincoln

 

[rph9168]

An Oldie but Goodie

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,

'I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

[rph9168]

Wisdom Of Socrates

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or
are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."


"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk
to me about my student let's take a moment to test
what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about
to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let! 's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell
me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."


"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something
bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to
be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."


"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

 

[IBFLYIN]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[cebo]

How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin.

 

[rph9168]

City Blonde on the Farm

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

[Waxman]

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

 

[Dean Taylor]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard; let's see how THEY like it!"

 

[ted mcmeekin]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS




Dear Steve,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila





Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line including the fuel filter. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.



I hope this helps,
Steve

 

[Waxman]

OBGYN Funny

If a tennis player gets tennis elbow and a squash player gets squash knee, what does a gynecologist get?



Tunnel Vision!

nyuk nyuk nyuk