A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[pitzerwm]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health cl*** at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: ONE for
Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool," says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers:
TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a
sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied -- "Those are for the
married men --
ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

 

[pitzerwm]

 

[pitzerwm]

Compliments to Jim Holve

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said,
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

 

[MEP001]

More airplane humor:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Cannot raise landing gear while aircraft is on the ground.
S: This is not a recommended procedure.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[MEP001]

 

[pitzerwm]

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad habits and traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows. "But what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... You can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

 

[pitzerwm]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
"Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to ;watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and
blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 223 at Riverside Methodist Hospital

 

[pitzerwm]

Sad News:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.




Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make them smile.

 

[MEP001]

I remember this one from Leno: When Gene Rayburn died, in lieu of flowers mourners were asked to send ______ .

 

[timmer]

smile

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb:
2; but we have no idea how they got in there. Timmer

 

[pitzerwm]

VACATION

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Earlene got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got
pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

 

[MEP001]

What's a "vacation?"

 

[rph9168]

Drugged by Parents

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on
Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug
to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug
by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the
woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my
mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness,
she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything
I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin;
and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a
better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

 

[pitzerwm]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".​

 

[rph9168]

Grandpa

A man came to visit his grandparents and noticed that his grandfather was sitting on the porch in a rocking chair wearing nothing but a shirt...nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see" he said. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below your waist?" The old man slowly turned and looked at him and said "Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmother's idea!

 

[pitzerwm]

The Flight Crew


The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .
?
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

​

?????????????????
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." ?
?
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
?
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."?​

 

[pitzerwm]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went
well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

 

[pitzerwm]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from the other passengers
that the Pope is going to be on the flight. "WOW, great!" he thinks. "What
a good place to be today." He boards, but doesn't see the Pope, so he
figures that maybe the other
passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there's an
empty seat next to him. Just before the doors close, the Pope enters the
plane and sits next to
him. "I am surely blessed," the man thinks. "Here I am, a good Catholic
on a flight with the holy father sitting next to me."

The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers remove their seat
belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to
take out a crossword
book. "Marvelous," he thinks, "not only am I blessed with the Pope sitting
next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help."

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the
Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. Later, the Pope turns to him and
says, "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can
help me?"

"Anything, your eminence. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally, he says, "The
only word I can think of is 'Aunt'."

The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

 

[pitzerwm]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

 

[pitzerwm]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'