A little bit of humor to start or end your day
- Thread starter pitzerwm
- Start date
pitzerwm
Active member
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate
love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate
love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
pitzerwm
Active member
Who's Yo Daddy?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or
putting it another way.. Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
the forms.
Be sure to check out # 11. It takes 1st prize and # 3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered
by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and
that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same
to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time.. well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I
had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one makes you
fart.
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or
putting it another way.. Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
the forms.
Be sure to check out # 11. It takes 1st prize and # 3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered
by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and
that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same
to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time.. well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I
had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one makes you
fart.
Business Math
The owner of a business in Miami was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Miami and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
The owner of a business in Miami was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Miami and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Happycarz
Member
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a
week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in
the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin? but liars!!!"
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a
week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in
the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin? but liars!!!"
At the Social Security Office
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.
The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left
my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused,
but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at
the Social Security Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said,
"You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too."
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last
week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.
The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left
my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused,
but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at
the Social Security Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said,
"You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too."
pitzerwm
Active member
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink ONE liter of water each day at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than ONE kilo of E.coli bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo or 2.2 lbs of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water=Poop, Wine=Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine & talk stupid, than to drink water & be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm passing this along as a public service, because some of you have been 'drinking way too much water'.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo or 2.2 lbs of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water=Poop, Wine=Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine & talk stupid, than to drink water & be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm passing this along as a public service, because some of you have been 'drinking way too much water'.
pitzerwm
Active member
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in."
pitzerwm
Active member
I like the "slogan" on the truck!!!
pitzerwm
Active member
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the heck?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.
MEP001
Well-known member
That one reminds me of the man who was yelling at his wife for spending a lot of money on breast enlarging cream. "Just rub toilet paper between them," he said. "Look at what it's done to your ass!"pitzerwm said:
Fatboy769
Living the American Dream
Subject: Nursing Home Sex
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Fatboy769
Living the American Dream
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."
I.B. Washincars
Car Washer Emeritus
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- Location
- SW Indiana melon fields.
There is a story of an American Tourist landing in Ireland. A local approached him with a skull and said it was the original skull of an ancient Irish King and he would sell if for a few hundred dollars. The American purchased the skull. A year later the same American landed at the same airport and again was approched by the same guy with another skull but smaller. Again he said it was the skull of the same King. The American tourist reminded him he purchased a larger skull the year before and the salesman stated, AH yes, but this is from when he was a boy.
pitzerwm
Active member
Fatboy769
Living the American Dream
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
helpfuljames
Pump supplier
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A koala bear is walking down the street of the big city and is stopped by an attractive woman.
She says, "Hey, do you want some company....?" The koala bear thinks about it and says, "sure". After some time, she suggests, "Do you want to have sex?". The koala
bear says, "sure".
Well, she leads them to a hotel and they get a room.....
After the sex, the koala bear gets up and is about leave and she says, "You know what I am don't you?" The koala bear says, "no."
She says,"I am a hooker." The bears says, "yeah, so..."
She asks, "Don't you know what a hooker is" and the bear replies, "no." Well, the hooker reaches into her handbag and pulls out a dictionary (they all carry them). She says, "See.... right here, 'a hooker is one who has sex for money'".
The bear says, "well that's interesting....let's look up koala bear. It says, 'a furry animal that eats bush and leaves'...See ya!"
She says, "Hey, do you want some company....?" The koala bear thinks about it and says, "sure". After some time, she suggests, "Do you want to have sex?". The koala
bear says, "sure".
Well, she leads them to a hotel and they get a room.....
After the sex, the koala bear gets up and is about leave and she says, "You know what I am don't you?" The koala bear says, "no."
She says,"I am a hooker." The bears says, "yeah, so..."
She asks, "Don't you know what a hooker is" and the bear replies, "no." Well, the hooker reaches into her handbag and pulls out a dictionary (they all carry them). She says, "See.... right here, 'a hooker is one who has sex for money'".
The bear says, "well that's interesting....let's look up koala bear. It says, 'a furry animal that eats bush and leaves'...See ya!"
