A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[Fatboy769]

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and
make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let a young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes,one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"

 

[rph9168]

A Trip to the Dentist

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.

"No way ! No needles ! I hate needles !" the patient shouted.

So the dentist started to hook up the laughing gas, and again the man objected.

"I can't do the gas thing ! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me !"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.

"No," the patient said, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Okay, let me get you a Viagra tablet then."

The patient responded, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth !"

 

[Fatboy769]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

 

[Fatboy769]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an
aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an
'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid! Just terribl e, doc tor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm,
he sent me cups and tab lecloth flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I
tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the
sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again!"

 

[Fatboy769]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

[pitzerwm]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[pitzerwm]

Check this out

http://www.upchucky.net/flash-fun/smart-bird.html

 

[rph9168]

The Husband Store :

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1
- These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2
- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework , and have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6
- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a

New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have a lot of money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited
________________________________________

 

[Fatboy769]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

[pitzerwm]

What is the real answer?

 

[pitzerwm]

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : You gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She kept interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

 

[I.B. Washincars]

What is the real answer?

Evidently Doug doesn't know or he would have chimed in by now.

 

[Fatboy769]

What is the real answer?

Bill, if I was guessing, I would have to say because they are more blood vessels in the head. I'm NO doctor, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!

 

[Fatboy769]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

 

[Fatboy769]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

 

[pitzerwm]

Ever asked something you really didn't want the answer to?

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

[Fatboy769]

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.

 

[Keith Baker]

I backed out of a parking stall the other day and ran into another car. When I got out to look, the other car was full of dwarves, including the driver.

I explained to them that it was my fault and I had insurance, but the driver just kept getting angrier and angrier.

At one point he yelled "I'M NOT HAPPY". I looked at him and asked him "Well which one are you then?"

The conversation went down hill from there....

............................................................

Keep smiling:
Keith

 

[Fatboy769]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!'

 

[pitzerwm]

Sometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem.