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A little bit of humor to start or end your day

I.B. Washincars

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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
 

ted mcmeekin

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A truck drivedr entered a bar and ordered lunch. A group of hells angels pilled in and one biker went to the truck driver and dumped his plate of spagetti in his lap and then poured his drink on him. The driver got up paid his bill and left. The biker announced to the bar--"not much of a man is he" The bar tender said not much of a truck driver either he just ran over 12 harley's in the parking lot.

Ted
 

I.B. Washincars

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I walked into a bar recently and noticed two large women chatting. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"

...One of them screamed back at me, "It's Wales you stupid IDIOT!

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...
 

rph9168

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Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.
 

Eric H

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Ha,HA! Where's the "like" button for this!
it might be time to resurect the Joke thread from a few years ago. You always had some good ones Ron.
 

MEP001

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Someone once asked me to look at her computer to see why it wouldn't come on. When I asked if anything happened before it quit working, she said she had a space heater plugged into the same power strip as the computer and it kept tripping the breaker on the strip, so she unplugged something from the wall to plug the heater in there and put the other plug into the strip. Turned out she plugged the power strip into itself along with the computer.
 

MEP001

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A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...
 
Etowah

rph9168

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Five year old's prayer for Grampa

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.

Amen
 

rph9168

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The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had
a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.

These coyotes ain't screwing our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.
 

I.B. Washincars

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I was watching women's beach volleyball on TV the other day. About half-way into the first match there was a serious wrist injury. Not to worry though...Dr. says I should be good to go in about a month.
 

I.B. Washincars

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- dad?

- yes son?

- why did you and mommy name my sister Teresa?

- well, you know how much mommy loves easter? Teresa is an anagram of easter.

- oh. what's an anagram?

- well, Alan..................
 

MEP001

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Except that wouldn't have led to Alan...
 

mac

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So I went to see a doctor recently. It's all the procedure now for the examining person to ask your birthday to make sure they have the right person. So when this lady asked for mine, I said, why it's Feb. 16. It must have been a long day for her because she gave me a look of disdain and said, WHAT year? I answered, every year.
 

I.B. Washincars

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I was offered sex by a 25 year old lady in exchange that I’d advertise some sort of kitchen cleaner for her. Of course I said no because of my strong will power. Which is just as strong as Astonish. The super strong kitchen cleaner now available in scented lemon or vanilla :D
 

MEP001

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man.

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
 

I.B. Washincars

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'”

“Is that so?” the man asked, highly amused.

“It is,” she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?”

Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf.”
 
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