A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[I.B. Washincars]

 

[I.B. Washincars]

A magician is booked a on a cruise ship for 2 weeks.
Every night of the 1st week the captain and his parrot set in the front row.
1st night of the 2nd week the parrot starts heckling the magician. It's in his sleeve, it's in his hat, all the cards are clubs.
That night the ship hits an iceberg and sinks.
The next day the magician wakes up on a piece of the ship afloat in the open ocean with the parrot.
They just set there looking at each for 2 days, and finally the parrot says," I give, where is the damn ship!"

 

[MEP001]

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an excellence award?

He got it for being outstanding in his field.

 

[br549ms]

Must have been a corny field

 

[Keith Baker]

Our corner market is trying to increase sales by adding smells and sounds to the grocery aisles. For example, when you go in the detergent aisle you smell the Irish Spring, Fabrese , and other nice smelling soaps.
The dairy aisle has the sounds of cows gently mooing and the smell of fresh hay. The produce aisle has the sound of eggs frying and the sound and smell of bacon sizzling in the pan.
I find this overall a very pleasurable shopping experience; however I have stopped buying my toilet paper there.

 

[MEP001]

I wouldn't want to walk down the feminine hygiene aisle either.

 

[Greg]

Do not remember where I heard or read this riddle .....

A bat & ball together cost $1.10, the bat was 1.00 more than the ball.
How much was the ball ?
...
...
...

A = 5 cents

Greg @ Arimitsu Pumps

 

[I.B. Washincars]

 

[MEP001]

My cousin might not find that funny - evidently some "genius" other employee thought it would be a good idea to keep driving rainwater from entering the electrical closet by putting a 2x4 across the floor inside the door, and Gaylon tripped over it and fell both hands first into the transformers.

Students risked injury to save burned UNC worker

UNC employee Gaylan Bishop was seriously burned in a fire on campus and now his family is asking for help through a Go Fund Me page.

abc11.com

 

[MEP001]

Anyway...

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."
The superconductor left without resistance.

 

[JustaGuy]

And along the same lines:

The bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here."

A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[I.B. Washincars]

I went to the doctor because of my hearing problem.

He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

Sure, I replied, “Homer’s a fat guy and Marge has blue hair.”

 

[MEP001]

A very prim and proper older lady had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Just while sitting in your waiting room I have had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

 

[I.B. Washincars]

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

 

[MEP001]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novacaine during his root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

[I.B. Washincars]

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

 

[6t7gto]

 

[I.B. Washincars]

Porn gives young people an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

 

[MEP001]

As well as what a pizza delivery guy will accept for a tip.

 

[copperglobe]