A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
-
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
-
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
-
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

[phred113]

A man sits down next to another guy on an airplane. He says, " I am so embarrassed."
The other guy asks, "Why?"
He says, "I was so taken back by that large breasted ticket agent that I told her I wanted two pickets to Titsburgh." He then asked the other guy, "Have you ever done that - said something when you meant to say something else?"
The other guy just chuckled and said, "Well, yes. Just this morning I said to my wife please pass the corn flakes when I really meant to say - 'you ruined my life you rotten bitch!'"

 

[rph9168]

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

 

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course 4

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
-
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

[rph9168]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a
square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[rph9168]

Xmas Price Check

Subject: Xmas Price Check
Date: Sun, 16 Dec 2007 16:18:13 +0000

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "accident" and prays that a sale person does not show up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman, standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the saleman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t when I tell you the price."

 

[Fatboy769]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc.
'Didn't my idea work?'
'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.
So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.
'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started'

 

[pitzerwm]

Blond Joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend.

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .....let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

[Dean Taylor]

Did you hear Monica Lewinski has decided to vote Republican this year? Yea, she says the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. (From Jay Leno on the Tonight Show)

 

[Dean Taylor]

There was a blond that called her boyfriend and was very ecstatic....."I finished my new puzzle in 3 weeks!" she exclaims. He replies, "what's so great about that?" She says, "the box says 2 to 4 Years!"

 

[Fatboy769]

The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation.
His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says:
"TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL" ... well, that has GOT TO GO!!

 

[Keith Baker]

The young farm boy was wandering through the barnyard, feeling mischievous one morning. First he ran through the hen house and scared all of the chickens. Then he went into the barn and snuck up behind the cow and frightened her. After that he went to the pig pen and opened the gate and the pig took off running.
When he went in for breakfast, his mom put a bowl of dry cereal in front of him. After he complained, she explained: "You frightened the chickens, so you won't get eggs for a week. Then you scared the cow, and I know you won't get any milk for at least a month. And you also let the pig run free. If he doesn't come back, you will never get any bacon or ham again."
Just then his dad comes in and accidentally steps on the cat's tail. The boy looks up at his mom and says "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

 

[Fatboy769]

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural T exas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

 

[Jim L.]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it -just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

 

[Fatboy769]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his a$$."

 

[rph9168]

Head of the Household

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! "You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! "Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

[Jim L.]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," the boy replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions..."
"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions..."
"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

 

[pitzerwm]

Just interesting to watch

http://www.koreus.com:80/video/chien-danseur.html

 

[rph9168]

God's Problem

God's Problem Now

When the graveside service for his wife had terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied
by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

 

[Fatboy769]

Choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna be a politician!'