A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[phred113]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.



One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."


They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with I/V's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.


The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start".

 

[pitzerwm]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

 

[rph9168]

Biscuits & Brains

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open,and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

 

[phred113]

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Hillary, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

That was totally unnecessary.....'where's Kenny?' or more to the point "Where's Vince?".

 

[jcedwards]

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.


A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate our government

is spending it.



While this thought is still fresh in our brain...

let's take a look at New Orleans ...

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.




Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu (D)

is presently asking Congress for

250 BILLION DOLLARS

to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...

what does it mean?

A.

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman, and child)

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or... if you are a family of four...

your family gets $2,066,012.


Washington, D. C



< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??


Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax < BR>Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.


We had absolutely no national debt...

We had the largest middle class in the world...

and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to

press '1'

for English.

What the heck happened?????

 

[pitzerwm]

Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History:Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. ''Very good!''

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863''
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed." Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,' "Who said that?" she demanded.Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you. 'Chandrasekhar Frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f*cked!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

 

[Joe Law]

There was a cucumber, a pickle & a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber said ?man my life sucks, when I get big, fat & juicy, they cut me up & put me on a salad.? The pickle looks at him & says ?you think you got it tough, when I get big, fat & juicy they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me & stick me in a jar.? The penis looks at him & says ?oh you think you got it bad, when I get big, fat & juicy, they stick a rubber strap on my head, stick me in a dark room & bang my head against the wall until I throw up & pass out.?

 

[rph9168]

Morris & Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd sure like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

[MEP001]

That joke is so old, the first time I heard it the pilot was in a biplane.

 

[rph9168]

You must be older than me which makes you ancient.

 

[Fatboy769]

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs..

 

[rph9168]

Young Republican

So, I was talking to this little girl Catherine,the daughter of some friends, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us -
and I asked Catherine - ?If you were President what would be the first
thing you would do??

Catherine replied - ?I would give houses to all the homeless people.?

?Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.? I told her, ?You
don?t have to wait until you?re President to help the homeless, you can
come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard and
I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 dollars to
use for a new house.?

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her
mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, ?Why doesn?t the
homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can just pay
him the $5 dollars??

And I said, ?Welcome to the Republican Party?

 

[pitzerwm]

You are what you eat

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[pitzerwm]

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

 

[pitzerwm]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[rph9168]

Married Three Times

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth Wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and
color dress are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate
for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it
or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time
bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he
died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into
such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had
hat wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 

[rph9168]

No Joke

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you ' said the chemist
'But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96 ' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I
don't **** on my slippers.'

 

[pitzerwm]

[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz h a d the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr . Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'[/FONT]

 

[johnny]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
> >> expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> >>
> >> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
> >> the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
> >> black suit he is already wearing.
> >>
> >> The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
> >> best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
> >> blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
> >> but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> >>
> >> The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
> >> her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
> >> the suit fits him perfectly.
> >>
> >> She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
> >> did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To
> >> her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c
> >> heck.
> >>
> >> 'There's no charge,' she says.
> >>
> >> 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
> >> suit!' she says.
> >>
> >> 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
> >> deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
> >> after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
> >> asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit
> >> instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
> >>
> >> 'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[johnny]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....