A little bit of humor to start or end your day
- Thread starter pitzerwm
- Start date
Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
ted mcmeekin
Fast and Clean
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- Aug 30, 2007
- Messages
- 412
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What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
He gets taller.
He gets taller.
Obama Jokes
Now I know a couple of my more left-leaning friends are going to take these far too serious. How soon they forget their chuckles & snickers during the era of George 43 and even Ronald, 'the great communicator' ! - C:>)
A Dozen Barack Obama Jokes:
He has what it takes, to take what you've got !
(1). Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His supporters don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.
(2). Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
(3). Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
(4). Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
(5). Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
(7). Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is full of tax evaders, blackmailers & threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
(8). Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The large pizza can feed a family of four.
(9). Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.
(10). Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
(11). Q: Do you know Barack Obama's new campaign slogan?
A: "Yes we can !" is now "Yes you will !"
(12). Q: What is the 'new' General Motors convertible called and why does no on want to buy one?
A: The Pelosi; and its Gawd Ugly, especially with its top down !
The liberals are now requesting that we give Obama time. Personally, I'm wondering if... 25 to life would be appropriate? - C:>)
Now I know a couple of my more left-leaning friends are going to take these far too serious. How soon they forget their chuckles & snickers during the era of George 43 and even Ronald, 'the great communicator' ! - C:>)
A Dozen Barack Obama Jokes:
He has what it takes, to take what you've got !
(1). Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His supporters don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.
(2). Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
(3). Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
(4). Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
(5). Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
(7). Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is full of tax evaders, blackmailers & threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
(8). Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The large pizza can feed a family of four.
(9). Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.
(10). Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
(11). Q: Do you know Barack Obama's new campaign slogan?
A: "Yes we can !" is now "Yes you will !"
(12). Q: What is the 'new' General Motors convertible called and why does no on want to buy one?
A: The Pelosi; and its Gawd Ugly, especially with its top down !
The liberals are now requesting that we give Obama time. Personally, I'm wondering if... 25 to life would be appropriate? - C:>)
Dean Taylor
Dean Taylor, CATEC.com
A man walked into an lawyer's office and asked about his rates. The Lawyer answered "$50 for three questions." The man replies "isn't that a bit steep?" Yes, replied the Lawyer, and what was your third question?"
Intelligent Riddle
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such An efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing Is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns, then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room and says,"Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice-presidential choice the same question "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me."
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer To that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No!, you idiot! . . .it's Tony Blair!"
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such An efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing Is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns, then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room and says,"Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice-presidential choice the same question "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me."
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer To that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No!, you idiot! . . .it's Tony Blair!"
pitzerwm
Active member
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Dirt
Laser Blade
Slow day in Texas
SLOW DAY IN TEXAS
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town.
The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are
tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his
debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his
debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has
had to offer her services on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so
the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the
$100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money,
and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the
future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States
Government is conducting business today.
SLOW DAY IN TEXAS
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town.
The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are
tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving
through town.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the money and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his
debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his
debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has
had to offer her services on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so
the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the
$100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money,
and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the
future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States
Government is conducting business today.
Dirt
Laser Blade
Jamaican Math Test
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw
three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw
three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Dirt
Laser Blade
correct procedures
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
( continued )
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
( continued )
Dirt
Laser Blade
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21.. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21.. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.
Bad Diagnosis
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Fatboy769
Living the American Dream
Funeral For a Homeless Man
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Snake and the Frog
I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed a little flask of whiskey out of my back pocket and poured a little bit in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed a little flask of whiskey out of my back pocket and poured a little bit in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
I.B. Washincars
Car Washer Emeritus
- Joined
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- Messages
- 4,284
- Reaction score
- 1,163
- Points
- 113
- Location
- SW Indiana melon fields.
The economy is so bad …
1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked me, “Can you afford fries with that?”
3. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
4. If the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient Funds” you have to call and ask if they meant you or them.
5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are now trading higher than GM
6. McDonalds is selling a ¼ ouncer.
7. Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and had to learn their own children’s names.
8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Canada.
9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
10. Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
11. The Mafia is laying off judges.
12. Exxon-Mobile had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
13. Congress says that they are looking into the Bernie Madoff scandal. Oh, Great! The guy who made $50Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
and finally …..
14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, my retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!
1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked me, “Can you afford fries with that?”
3. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
4. If the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient Funds” you have to call and ask if they meant you or them.
5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are now trading higher than GM
6. McDonalds is selling a ¼ ouncer.
7. Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and had to learn their own children’s names.
8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Canada.
9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
10. Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
11. The Mafia is laying off judges.
12. Exxon-Mobile had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
13. Congress says that they are looking into the Bernie Madoff scandal. Oh, Great! The guy who made $50Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
and finally …..
14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, my retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck!
Waxman
Super Moderator
Check out Mitch Hedberg on youtube. I find him very funny.
Jim L.
Florida panhandle
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Obama’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing ‘Go Sarah’ shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat..
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned the men over to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. " He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Obama’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing ‘Go Sarah’ shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their truck. The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat..
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned the men over to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. " He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Jim L.
Florida panhandle
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, after much thought I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, after much thought I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
