A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[pitzerwm]

An older gentleman who had had a prostate operation years before had an appointment to see the urologist in Englewood Florida who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.






In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man... He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'





The room erupted in applause!

 

[rph9168]

Court Room Chatter

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

 

[rph9168]

Court Room Chatter Con't

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[Dean Taylor]

A guy takes his wife fishing of the New England Coast. They get into a storm and she falls overboard. After hours of looking, he was unable to find her so he finally calls the Coast Guard and makes for home.

The next day a Coast Guard officer shows up at his house. He says " I'm sorry sir, I have bad news. But I also have good news and great news."

"OK, Lay the bad news on me." the man says. The officer proceeds to tell him they found his wife and unfortunately she had drowned and had sunk.

"OK, what's the good news?" he asks. "Well, when we pulled her up, there were 14 live Maine lobsters and 22 snow crabs clinging to her." The man replies, "Wow, that is pretty good news."

"So what's the great news?" he asks. The officer replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow!"

 

[MEP001]

A guy takes his wife fishing

Who takes his wife fishing?

 

[Waxman]

Guess what I am thinking. Rhymes with 'Deadliest Catch'.

 

[rph9168]

Minnesota Joke

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall

and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed

and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.



After their surveying was completed, they came back to

Ole and said, "you were so kind to us, we wanted to

give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."



Ole replied, "What's the bad news ?



The surveyors stated, "Well, after surveying, we discovered

your farm is not in Minnesota , but is actually in North Dakota!"



Ole said "That's the best news I've had in a long time. I was

just telling Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another

winter in Minnesota ."

 

[rph9168]

Tiger Woods and the Pope

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven
and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope

"No problem" repliedTiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late"

 

[rph9168]

Phone Call from Hell

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[rph9168]

Football and the blonde

Barry took his blonde girlfriend, Janet, to herfirst football game. They had great seats right behind theirteam's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were about killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, Barry asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.”

 

[rph9168]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

[rph9168]

Snowed in Blonde

One winter morning in Syracuse a husband and his blonde wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through... So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

 

[I.B. Washincars]

You don't need a parachute to skydive, you need one to skydive twice.

 

[MEP001]

Parachute for sale. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

 

[rph9168]

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll **** on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another long line."

 

[I.B. Washincars]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be your sport.

 

[Dean Taylor]

Q: How do you know when your girlfriend's butt is too big?

A: When she can't fit into your wife's pants.

 

[Happycarz]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

and

3. Being screwed by a Lawyer





The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

and

3. Being screwed by a Lawyer

 

[Dean Taylor]

For Sale:
Yamaha YZF-R6F, Crotch Rocket Motorcycle
Very fast! Very Fun! Only ridden once, from the dealer to home!
2 days old, Very low miles, like new!
Loving Wife Forces Sale
Evidently, I didn't understand what "Do whatever the F*** you want" really means.
Call for appointment

 

[cantbreak80]

The rancher’s ad for “horse for sale” was responded to by a rather short-in-stature gentleman who suffered from a speech impediment.

“I…I…I’d like t…t...to thee your hor…hor…horth,” the man stated.

They approached the corral and the buyer examined the horse’s legs and underbelly. After a few moments he turned to the rancher and asked, “Ca…Ca…Can you pick me up so I can th…th…thee the hor…hor…horth’s eyeths?”

The rancher complies.

After several minutes the buyer thanks the rancher. He walks around the horse again and asks, “Ca…ca…Can you pick me up so I ca…ca…can th..th..thee the horth’s theeth?”

Again, the rancher complies and again the buyer takes his time examining the animal’s teeth.

The process is repeated once more as the buyer asks, “Ca…ca…can I check th…th…the horth’s earths?”

Aggravated, the rancher once more picks up the little fellow so he can get a close look at the horse’s ears.

After several more minutes of walking around the horse, the little guy asks the frustrated rancher, “Ca..ca…can I th…th…thee the horth twott?”

Angrily, the rancher grabs the midget and stuffs his head into the horse’s vagina. After a few moments he sets the fellow back on his feet.

“Pfuff, fluff…” the little guy sputtered, shaking his head and wiping the horse’s fluid’s from his face.

He looks up at the rancher and restates his request…

“Ca…ca…can I th…th…thee the horth ru..ru..RUN?”