A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[I.B. Washincars]

I just learned I am color blind.

That diagnosis came completely out of the purple!

 

[MEP001]

I've heard of lemonade, limeade, etc., but I'm not trying this drink:

 

[I.B. Washincars]

My grandmother started walking 3 miles a day at age eighty, she's ninety now and we don't know where in the hell she is.

 

[I.B. Washincars]

Got the crap beat outta me today by a busty woman in an elevator. So this busty lady gets on the elevator, I couldn’t help but to stare. She says press one please. So I did, I pretty much don’t remember anything after that.

 

[MEP001]

If you were already on the first floor, that was a feminist looking for a fight.

 

[I.B. Washincars]

You know the sex is good when it sounds like someone running in flip-flops.
____________________________________________________________

Husband: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

Wife: I don't like calling you at work.

 

[MEP001]

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets. The younger says, "I've never come this way before." The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

 

[MEP001]

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess all over his face trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

 

[Main Street Carwash]

Two doctors are having sex and the man tells the woman "You must be ob-gyn because you know how to work that pxxxy" she responds "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing"

 

[br549ms]

A woman tells her husband that something is very wrong with their child. He does not look like or act like anyone in either family. She said they should have a test done to see if this was actually their child….
The husband responded, don’t you remember when we were leaving the hospital you said “the baby is smelling a little, go change him before we leave.” So I did.

 

[br549ms]

A Snowman Story

8:00 am - I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender ma... wom... er, person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures.

8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim guy across the road demands the snow woman wear a burka.

8:40 - The police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a subservient domestic role.

8:43 - The city equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snow-men and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs?" and am now being called a sexist.

9:00 - I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters, offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

 

[soapy]

3 weeks ago I got a call from a woman that started out like this " About a month ago.... says she lost $6 in a $2 shampoo vac and that she just now had a IBA shut down on her in the middle of the $8 wash. Says she left a note a month ago for the shampooer but never got a refund. I said no problem and got her name and address and said I would make it right. I made a check out this time and took a picture of it along with the envelope and one of me mailing it to her. I texted it to her on her cell phone number. Later that day she texts me backs ranting about the lousy customer service and how she has never been treated so bad, will tell all her friends ..... I could not figure out what her problem was until I looked up the name she had given me and it appears to Phony name. SO now she has her refund check but can't cash it because she has no ID for that name. Check has never been cashed.

 

[6t7gto]

My life....

 

[I.B. Washincars]

Be careful on the roads this Christmas season. A lot of men will be drinking and having their wives drive.

 

[6t7gto]

For the older guys

 

[6t7gto]

Riding with the wife

 

[I.B. Washincars]

Warden, to female death row inmate.
“What would you like for your last meal?”
Inmate, “I don’t care, what do you want?”

 

[MEP001]

Doctor: I'm sorry, you're dying, and there's nothing we can do.
Patient: Oh no! How much time do I have?
Doctor: Five.
Patient: Five what?
Doctor: Four...

 

[I.B. Washincars]

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.
He looks up and see the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is really nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the isle toward him.
When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation.

He asks, "What is your pleasure in Las Vegas?" (expecting a wedding, girls get together etc.)
She responds. "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention."
Now he is crazed with excitement! Here is a gorgeous nymphomaniac sitting next to him, going to the same place he loves Las Vegas, but for a nymphomaniac convention!
"And what will you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," we all try the latest products on the market she says, "we also try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues desperately.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, the Native American man is.
Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, but actually men of Jewish decent make the best lovers".

"Very, very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly the woman becomes a little embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I don't even know you! What is your name?"

With a wide grin the man responds, "I'm Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

 

[I.B. Washincars]