A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[johnny]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging

her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

 

[johnny]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .

 

[johnny]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy

with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,

fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

 

[helpfuljames]

Vet School



First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first

anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a

white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In

Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a

doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving

the animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his

finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow

and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The

second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle

finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's

tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

 

[Jim L.]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:

You may be a Taliban if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt after a crap with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs or IEDS.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least three. 11. You bath monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbors' goat.

 

[Fatboy769]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."

 

[rph9168]

Batman

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc? got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

 

[MEP001]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case, or their money, if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a box of doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, who were having similar troubles, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

 

[johnny]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Awesome Senior Moment


Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country.

If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.'

 

[rph9168]

Virus Alert

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton', do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

 

[Fatboy769]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window..

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

"About a gallon."

 

[Fatboy769]

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton', do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Also, If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Oprah Winfrey" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Pat Crowe.

 

[pitzerwm]

This is funny

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

Use IE for some reason

 

[Fatboy769]

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

 

[Fatboy769]

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'

 

[rph9168]

Sunday Paper

Sunday Paper . . . . . .

For all of us who are --- seniors ---
For all of you who know --- seniors ---
And for all of you who --- will be seniors ---

'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know why her Sunday edition had not yet arrived.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow... On Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter, 'Well, sh#t .... So that's why no one was at church today.'

 

[pitzerwm]

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

[Fatboy769]

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"

She replies"Oh I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"

She replies"Oh I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"

"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"

Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"

"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"

 

[johnny]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'


The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'


Bloody women................ they think of everything!!!!

 

[rph9168]

Walmart Special

A husband and wife were shopping in Wal-Mart when the man picked up a case of Budweiser and put them into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?' asked his wife.

'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he said.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' said the wife, and they continued shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picked up a $30 jar of face cream and placed it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asked the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she said.

The man replied, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price!