A little bit of humor to start or end your day

[Fatboy769]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

 

[MEP001]

I was once in the middle of an escalator when the power went out - I was trapped for three hours.

 

[helpfuljames]

A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "You can stay...but don't start nothing!"

A minister, priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What...is this a joke?"

A husband stops suddenly while making love to his wife and says, "I'm sorry...did I hurt you?"
She responds, "No. Why did you ask?"
He says, "Because you moved....."

 

[MEP001]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...

 

[Jim L.]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The
teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that
I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'

 

[pitzerwm]

I hope that was true, Jim

 

[Fatboy769]

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

[Fatboy769]

FOR HUSBANDS WHO PREFER YOUNGER WOMEN:

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife
and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain
needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before
midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the
following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your
honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like
to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher
at our local college. I w ould like to inform you
that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also
the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and
like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of math, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home
until sometime tomorrow."

 

[pitzerwm]

Seasons Greetings

Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability to send cards on time, here is my card to cover every Holiday .

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[johnny]

The Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo
of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he
nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping
to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she
answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

 

[Fatboy769]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

[rph9168]

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, "7 Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go
and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real
hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally $hits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the #*%! was that?"

The old man says, "Halftime, switch sides."

 

[Fatboy769]

Five Surgeons
are discussing the types of people they like to operate
on.

The
first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
table
because when open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second
responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them
is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think
librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical
order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart,
no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the
head and the a$$
are
interchangeable

 

[Fatboy769]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

[MEP001]

I'd rather have Social Security sex than the IRS sex I get now.

 

[rph9168]

$100

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God,

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. and those a$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes

 

[Andyjmyr]

A tale of Cars

A doctor, lawyer, and proctologist were all sitting down talking about their jobs. After a while the subject changed to what kind of cars they drove.

The doctor asks the lawyer, "what kind of car do you drive?" The lawyer responds, "I drive a new Lexus with heated seats and an on board computer to keep up with my cases."

The lawyer then asks the doctor, "well, what do you drive?" The doctor says, "I drive a new mercedes suv, it has many compartments to keep most of my medical equipment."

Then, the doctor looks as the proctologist and says, "what do you drive?" The proctologist looks at the doctor and lawyer and says, "I drive a brown probe. And you don't want to know what comes with it."

 

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

 

[pitzerwm]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.


A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,


they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to


fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of


the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why


don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking


sound is driving me crazy.'


The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR


stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

 

[Fatboy769]

5 minute management course 6

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
-
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!